While we wait...

We are still waiting on our LOA.  We are hoping to get it in May, but it could theoretically be in June sometime.  There is no rhyme or reason to why and how they (the adoption governmental group in Ch) process all this adoption paperwork.  Last Monday there were several LOA’s released--several people with our agency received them, and they were around day 32.  Yet there are still other people who have been waiting 45, 60, 80+ days for their LOA.  There’s no telling how long it will take, but we are hopeful that it will come in May.

In the mean time we completed all of our immigration paperwork (the i800, 864w, and ds230), and I mailed those off along with our last large agency payment today.  Once we receive our LOA, we’ll submit it along with the other paperwork to immigration.  That will then set off another insane flurry of activity which I’ll describe at a later date.

We’ve also been spending a lot of this down time preparing for Evan.  I’ve been reading attachment books, rereading “The Connected Child” by Karyn Purvis (we were required to read that as part of our home study), and reading adoption blogs that deal with attachment.  Evan has not had an ideal life, and we are preparing ourselves for bringing home a child who has his own special circumstances.  We are going to have to run a very tight ship when he gets home in order to help with him attach and bond to us.  The way we parent him is going to be very different than how we’ve parented Kathryn so far (he will have different needs), and we are trying to wrap our minds around that.  Many people are concerned about the medical issues that you face when bringing home a special needs child, and that is definitely of concern (he will have to undergo some rough surgeries—the first one being a couple months after we get home).  However, the attachment and bonding issues are usually much greater than the medical needs and concerns.  His medical issues can be fixed via surgery and medical care.  It’s the emotional healing that we’re going to have to work with him on that’s going to be very tough.

I read a story recently that really helped explain in adult terms what young adopted children go through with their adoption.  This really helped me wrap my mind around what all Evan will be going through.  This is my paraphrased version:

Imagine you fall in love with someone (man/woman).  Everything is going great—you have a great time together, you enjoy spending every moment you can with him/her.  You get along great, and you learn all the things that this person loves (and you try to treat them to these things as often as possible).  You decide to get married, and plan a beautiful wedding.  The wedding goes off perfectly, and you fall asleep that night in your partner’s arms with a happy heart.

You wake up the next morning to find that your husband/wife, this person whom you love more than anyone, is gone.  Nowhere to be found.  You call out for this person, but there is no answer.  You start to panic and cry.  At that point a person you have never seen before comes over to you, starts to hug you, kiss you, and try to comfort you.  They tell you it’s going to be okay, but the love of your life is gone—and is it really going to be okay?  They eventually take you to another place (a place you have never been before), and start to care for you.  You don’t quite “jive” as well with this person, but they are meeting your basic needs.  They feed you at meal time, they make sure you are clean and have clothing.  Over time they may start to notice a thing or two that you like, or dislike.  It’s not the same as the love of your life, though.  You start to build some trust with this person, but it’s not like the trust you had with your original partner. 

This goes on for a year or so, and then one day they load you in a van.  You drive for hours to another place you have never been.  They take you inside, and there inside are several people.  Once again, you have never seen these people before.  In fact, they look totally different than the people you’re accustomed to seeing.  They smell different.  They speak a different language.  Yet there are smiles on their faces, some of them are crying, and they are very overjoyed to see you.  You are handed to one of these new people.  They are so happy to see you—they start kissing you and telling you they love you.  Deep down inside, you are scared to death.  You may even start screaming at this point.  They eventually take you back to a room with just you and these new people.  Within a few weeks you are put on an airplane for a very long plane ride.  When you get off the plane you are in a new place, with people you’ve never seen before.  The language they speak is new to you, and all the smells and sights are different.  This is your new, forever home.

Scary, isn’t it?  This is what Evan will be facing when we adopt him.  His birth Mom—his original love (who carried him for 9 months) is no longer in the picture.  We are his adoptive parents.  We speak a different language, we look different, we smell different, and we eat different types of food.  He doesn’t know us.  He doesn’t love us yet.  We have to teach him how much we love him, how much God loves him, and he will have to learn to trust us and eventually fall in love with us.  That takes a LOT of hard, hard work (on our end, and on his end).

As I mentioned before we will be running a tight ship when we get home.  This is not an attempt to exclude anyone or to hurt anyone’s feelings.  It is what we have been taught, by the professionals and from people who have been down this road alread.  I will post a longer list of what all this will entail later on, but I wanted to go ahead and share a few things with everyone just to give everyone an idea of what all will be happening.

Cocooning:  When we arrive back home, we will be “cocooning” in our house for a month (it could be longer, depending on how he does—it will not be any less than a month though).  In order to help Evan attach, bond, and learn to trust us as his parents, we will not be allowing anyone in our house for the first month.  He needs to know this is our house, and we are the primary residents of our house. 

Outings:  We will still go out and go places, but we will be minimizing our outings.  In order to prevent overstimulation (which can be very easy to do—and can create bad consequences for adopted children), we are going to keep the number of outing each week to a minimum (with 1-2 things max on the days we go out).

Holding:  In order for Evan to learn that we are his parents/the ones who will meet his needs and for him to bond to us, we will be the only ones holding him for a while.  In fact, I have purchased a ergo carrier, and plan to strap him to me most of the time for a while (i.e. we will be doing a lot of “baby wearing”).

Hugging:  It is very common for adopted children to go up and hug every adult they see.  Most people would think that they love people, or are very social—this is NOT the case.  Children from orphanages look to adults as someone who can meet their needs (give them food, etc), and so they go up to random adults (strangers) and hug them thinking they will get something.  If Evan comes up to you and tries to hug you, please do not hug him!  Please step back, and point him to us (yes, we know this is not natural and seems cold).  We need him to know that he needs to come to us to meet his needs!

Treats/Food/Gifts:  We ask that you please do not give him any sort of gift/food/treat for a while.  If you would like to give him something, please give it to either David or myself and let us give it to him.  Again, we need him to know that we are the ones that will be meeting his needs. 

Again, we are not trying to be rude or hurt anyone’s feelings.  We are going to have to work super hard with him to get him to trust, attach, and bond to us.  If we do not do it correctly the first go round, it will catch up with us and we will be forced (at some point) in to doing these things.  It will not always be like this—it’s going to be this way for the first several months, though.  Eventually, as time goes on, he will start to love us and understand our role as his parents.  I cannot emphasize how difficult and how much work this will be at the beginning.  So, please bear with us when he gets home and we start our new life together.