2 weeks home, and we're growing (literally)!

Today marks the two week home mark.  It's crazy to think that we've now been how as long as we were gone.  I'm still grateful the trip is behind us, and even more grateful to be back on EST and finding a new rhythm.  Of course, that's only for a few more months before we shake things up again!

I announced on FB last week that our family is growing.  Yes, it is.  No, we are not a boomerang family heading back to do another adoption.  I am actually pregnant!!  This is definitely an answer to some "Sun Stand Still" prayers!  I have briefly mentioned my struggle with secondary infertility in past posts, but it is something that truly started to eat away at me at the end of last year.  When we started the whole adoption process I was totally fine with not having another biological child and doing the adoption thing.  As time went on, though, those feelings started to change.  At the end of last year it really started to eat at me.  It seemed like every other day my facebook feed would light up with pregnancy announcements.  Friends, friends of friends, family members, it seemed like everyone was getting pregnant and having babies.  People that were older than me were having babies, people that I never thought in a million years would have children were having babies, and the list goes on and on.  By August, I was at my wits end and think I ended up crying my eyes out about every other day over this.  David was wonderful as he embraced me and tried to comfort me multiple times as I lost it and sobbed my heart out.  At that point we started saying "Sun Stand Still" prayers, and I got very real with my conversations with God over the issue.  I told Him exactly how I felt (I did not hold back).  He gave me a heart of peace about it, and I felt that He was not finished with our family yet.

At the end of September, something made me take a pregnancy test.  I think my cycle was a little off that month, plus I had some interesting symptoms going on.  To my surprise it turned up positive!  We didn't tell anyone as I have had miscarriages in the past, we didn't want people asking us if/why we were going to continue with Evan's adoption, and we knew our family would be worried enough with us in China and didn't want to give them something else to worry about.  My doctor ended up seeing me at 6 weeks (as I had gotten a bunch of meds to take, as well as a Hep A/B shot before I knew I was pregnant), and we had a heartbeat!  The day after the appointment (as we were trying to figure out who/if we should tell) we received our TA--and we left a week later!!

So, we had our official first OB appt last week, and everything looked great!  The baby is measuring about a week ahead of my dates.  Several people have asked if that's why I was so sick in China.  The answer is yes and no.  Yes, I was very fatigued and it definitely worsened my jet lag.  No doubt about it.  Yes, I had pregnancy nausea over there.  Yes, I also had 2 cases of food borne illness--there was no doubt about that.  I'm not sure if the pregnancy exacerbated those cases of food borne illness.  It did make the trip a lot harder on me, but I managed to get through.

With that news out there, i'll now talk about where we stand at 2 weeks.  We are still working hard at our attachment and bonding with Evan.  David attached to him right away, but it's taking me much longer.  It is a long process, and it is not easy.  Our agency hosted a community night the other night talking about post adoption depression.  It was a great talk because it showed me that a lot of things i'm feeling are very normal.  I'll be honest with you--I struggle with the fact that I have turned Kathryn's world upside down, along with several other issues.

Evan, though, is doing very well.  He is coming up to me a lot more (of course i'm the one here during the day), and wanting me to hold him and comfort him.  When new people come around he will hold on to my legs and want me to hold him.  He wants to sit in my lap at times, and today he fell asleep in my lap on the couch.  We've also noticed a few changes in his eating habits in the last 2-3 days.  He was eating a significant amount each day, and wanting to have a snack every 1 1/2-2 hours.  We've noticed that he's slowed down a lot the last couple of days, going longer between snacks and not eating as much during meals.  I say all of this because our post adoption social worker told us last week that they go into survival mode for a while after the adoption, and worry about you not meeting his need.  She told us to feed him any time he wants to eat (which we did).  I'm hoping this is a good sign--that he's learning to trust us and know that food is always available.  On the other hand, Kathryn, who has always eaten little amount of food, is always hungry and always wanting food.  I'm having to feed her about every hour or two with a piece of bread, banana, grapes, or something--of course I always give Evan food when she is wanting a snack as well.

I would say that overall we are getting there--Evan is carving out his place in our family, we are finding our new rhythm, Kathryn is learning to be a big sister, and I'm enjoying the days when I feel fairly well.  We are getting a new routine in place, which is good for all of us (including nap time--my favorite time of day).  Has it been easy--No.  Will it get easier--I think so!